Saturday, December 20, 2014

Back Home And Grieving...


Today was supposed to be the day that our birth mom would sign relinquishment papers, and we would officially become the parents of a perfect little baby girl. After two days of caring for and watching over this baby who in our hearts was ours, we received a call yesterday morning shortly before 8am telling us that our birth mom had changed her mind and had decided to keep the baby and parent - our worst fears about this process realized. There is no recourse for us. The devastation, loss, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and sadness we are feeling right now is immeasurable. It is a suffering like we have never had to endure before, and we are now back at home and grieving – trying to figure out what to do next. We feel like we lost a baby. We feel like we have been had and cheated. We feel like we have been made fools of. We feel like we wasted other opportunities to become parents.  But most of all, we feel like we have wasted time, money, emotional investment, and compassion on this birth mom who revealed herself in just a few short days to be an entirely different person than the one who we got to know and cared for in the past five months.  We are beyond concerned for the life that has been chosen for this baby who we held, fed, nurtured, and loved in her first hours on Earth. When we finally feel up to the task, we will share the entire story of what has been some of the worst days we have ever had to face.  No doubt, what we have to say, will truly open your eyes about how the adoption process really can be, and often is like, for many many couples and individuals going through this.  Needless to say, there are no protections and not much beyond very basic and superficial support for the risks we assume.  Thank you all so much for the outpouring of love and excitement for us through this opportunity that we had to grow our family.  We wish we could have delivered you the good news you were hoping for.  We will update you all soon. 
Love,
~ Will & Adrienne        
 

43 comments:

  1. My thoughts and prayers to you both. While words are just words. Please remember that God has a plan and this baby was not meant for you . Your baby is out there. Believe in him.
    Lots of love and prayers to you.

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  2. I am so sorry to hear this. I pray that the support and love of your family and friends help to heal your hearts and souls.
    I cannot imagine this loss and my deepest sympathies are with you both.
    Your baby is out there so do not give up.
    Much love!💜

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  3. Sorry for your hurt, loss and devastation. Keep trying because some child wants you both for parents. It will happen.

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  4. So devastating. You should never have to be experiencing this tremendous loss. I'm so sorry and love you both. Will continue to support you in any decision you make.

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  5. So very sorry and we will continue to pray for you and your family.

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  7. Big hugs. You are both loved. I'm so sorry your loss. The two of you and the baby are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  8. My heart aches for you and for this baby. Take as long as you need to grieve. Know that a baby will be yours to love…in due time, my mother always said. Your time will come.

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  9. Omgosh that is horrible. I cannot even imagine the hurt and disappointment that you both are feeling. I truly believe that your baby is out there, and once he/she is revealed to you, they are going to the most special and loved baby. I will definitely be keeping you guys in my thoughts and prayers.

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  10. I am so very, very sorry for the two of you. This broke my heart to read, so I can't even imagine what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your families during this difficult time.

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  11. I'm so very sorry to you both. Words can't even begin to describe the loss and hurt. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers!

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  12. I am so very sorry! My heart aches for you both. I sent Adrienne a message on FB with a bit of our adoption story. I will keep you in my prayers.

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  13. I am so very, very sorry. I will pray for you both in this time of heartbreak.

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  14. im truly sorry for your loss, you and your wife are in my prayers

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  15. There are so many people in this world who have children and do not deserve too. My heart goes out to you both. My the Lord bless you and send you the bundles of joy you are hoping for.

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  16. I'm so sorry. I will say that I'm looking forward to God's plan unfolding and I am certain that it will be better than anything we could even imagine. Do not give up, there is a baby out there who needs you both.

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  17. My thoughts and prayers are with you both during this tough time. Please don't give up your search, your baby is out there somewhere! (((hug)))

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  18. My heart broke when I read this. I simply couldn't imagine. My prayers for you for healing and strength.

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  19. I'm so sad for you your family. Your family is in our prayers right now. It's a very personal experience you are choosing to share with us. As listeners we have become very attached to your story and we feel some of your hurt with you but I can't imagine the depth of your sadness right now. ((((((Hugs))))))

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  20. I know thete are absolutely no words of comfort right now, only sorrow and pain. I lived through 8 of these situations. The first one back in Dec of 2008. The most important thing I can tell you is UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU GIVE UP! EVERY ounce of pain u feel will be gone when your chosen child is eventually in your arms. Vanished. You will never even remember how bad this feels because that joy heals it instantly. I know it seems impossible, lime you cannot bate it any longer but you can! If I can you can. I promise you that. If you want to talk to a couple who truly knows or even just sit amd stare at each other while drinking coffee without saying a word please please let me know. Words are useless at this point, it's hard to breathe especially this close to a first Christmas, but it will end. You will have a child hang on with all your being!! Again please let me know if you want to talk to someone who knows this.pain sdpmitchell@gmail.com

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  21. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you feel. Just know that God has a plan. We may not agree with or understand the plan, but in the end, his plan is always for the best. May you find comfort and the baby you so long for. God bless

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  22. I'm so sorry for the loss you both are experiencing right now. I cannot believe that couples like you and your wife have no more rights than what you do for adoptions!! The birth mother should sign an agreement long before the baby arrives stating she cannot change her mind or she has to return the money IMMEDIATELY! Same thing for the attorney! It doesn't take your pain away, but it would stop people from taking advantage of loving couples like you and your wife. You both are in my prayers and I hope everything works out for you both very, very soon.

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  23. I am sorry for this loss and hard road you have been traveling. My heart ached as I read this. I continue to pray for you abd that God will bless you with a child to call your own

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  24. Im so sorry and broken hearted for you right now! Even though its hard to imagine right now or believe, just keep the faith because everything DOES happen for a reason, and I just know that you WILL be blessed as parents when it is the right time for you!

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  25. I am so sorry for you and your wife. My husband and I have two adopted kids and Julie at our adoption agency said one thing that got us through all the ups and downs of adoption, she said "You will get the baby that was meant to be yours". You have to keep your guard up some to get through the process which is VERY difficult. I don't know the whole story but be assured you WILL get that baby that was meant to be yours. Do not give up! And like someone previously said you will not remember the heart ache, helplessness, and the time that seemed to move so slowly when it's your time.
    I remember my husband saying to me at the hospital after our daughter was born that I wasn't bonding with her. I said she isn't mine yet, her mom could change her mind and if she does I will be happy for her and will know in my heart that she wasn't MY meant to baby. Please be strong and know YOUR meant to be baby will come. I will pray for you and I know you'll be ok. We are here if you need to talk















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    1. I am so sorry for you and your wife. This is just heartbreaking to read. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I will say a prayer for peace and understanding. I have no other words of comfort other than know that you are loved by many. I wish your hearts quick healing.

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  27. So sorry for your loss. Praying for you both.

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  28. Words cannot describe the sadness and pain I know you are experiencing right now.i have followed your journey these last few months thru zpl and was so happy for you both. There is nothing I can say that would even begin to ease your grief. Know that you are in my thoughts~

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  29. Will and Adrienne, we have been in your shoes. The first time was in March of 2003. We were also supposed to adopt a baby girl and the morning that she was supposed to relinquish her parental rights, her birthmother changed her mind and we were devastated. Our family was too as they were all coming to visit a few days after she was supposed to relinquish. I cried for days. I never ever thought I was going to get over it. Our parents (the would be grandparents) took it especially hard. After that, we made the decision that we were not going to tell our families about any further adoption matches. That summer, we were matched with another 3 birth mothers. Two that we never got the chance to meet because they changed their mind even before we met them and another whom we met that we were told really never planned to place her baby, she was trying to make her parents happy because they thought she already had her hands full with the one she had. Nine months after our 1st failed adoption attempt, our son came into the world on December 17, 2003. It was ironic because that was the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers' 1st flight and coincidentally at the time, my husband was a pilot in the military. We treaded lightly this time but made sure we were with the birth mother as much as possible and got her whatever she needed. The night before she went to court to relinquish her rights, she did tell us the day she checked out of the hospital and left him there with us she had seriously considered keeping him. But after a long talk with her mom, they decided that we were the people he needed in his life to give him the things they could not. On December 22nd, he was ours. There was no way for her to retract her decision. It was one of the best days ever and a great Christmas present.

    It will happen for you. It's not easy and I think because of everything we went through to adopt our son, when we decided to adopt again we chose to adopt from China and adopted a beautiful girl who is now almost 7. Adopting from China was easier because we knew that a birthmother wouldn't change her mind. Our daughter was going to come from an orphanage because she had been abandoned. If we ever adopted again, we'd go back to China in a heartbeat for an older child age 4-6. Right now, that's just not in the cards for us.

    It does get easier but you never forget. Every year I still think about that little girl on the day she was born and wonder what she's doing now.

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  30. A friend asked me to reach out to you as a professional counselor that specializes in adoption. I don't know if I can be of help or if you are anywhere near being ready to talk about it, but please let me know if I can be. My friend has been very moved by your story, and I would venture that she is feeling somewhat helpless, as I am sure you are as well.

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  31. I just have no words to express my sadness for you both. You are loved by the whole Abner family and we were celebrating with you. We are praying for comfort for you.

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  32. My heart hurts so deeply for you both. You don't know me, I am a listener of the Smiley Show for years, been listening to the station since I was in elementary school (33 currently). Your story has clutched my soul since Will joined the show and shared your journey.

    The only thing I can offer is how lucky you are to have each other. The dedication and unwavering love you have for one another through this tough moment will carry you. Support and nurture each other and this setback will only make your relationship more deep seeded.

    Adrienne and Will, you are beautiful, loving parents. You will find your child.

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  33. Aaron and I send our love. I saw above that Brooke commented. She is an amazing counselor. I highly recommend her. We will keep you both in our prayers.

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  34. I cannot imagine the hurt, pain, and frustration that you are going through right now! May you be uplifted and may God give you a sense of peace as you move forward on your journey to be amazing and loving parents to a very blessed baby!

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  35. Praying for you both. Keep your head up and stay positive.

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  36. Cannot tell you how devastated I am for you both. It is incredibly unfair. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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  37. I came across your story and I just want you to know that I feel your pain and I'm praying for you. I wish you all the happiness in the world in 2015!

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  38. We had a similar situation. Chosen by birth mom, doctor visits with the birth mom (we still have copies of the ultrasounds), then the mother changed her mind a few weeks before delivery. It is hard to explain the emotional feelings, but we just accepted that the little boy was not for us and that God had the perfect one on the way. 5 months later, Sofia entered our lives and 12 months after that Channing entered our lives. Adopting a child is like a roller coaster ride; some days your on top of the world, some days you upside-down at the bottom of the world, and many days you are sideways and aren't sure which end is up. You have to keep focused on the fact that at some point, the ride will end. There is a child that is right for every couple looking to adopt! We are blessed to have found ours!

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  39. Dear Adrienne and Will,
    My heart goes out to the both of you. I called into the station this morning and was put on hold. I had to hang up because I was working and couldn't wait any longer. I wanted to tell you that my daughter and son in law adopted my 2 beautiful, gorgeous grandchildren through Kirsh and Kirsh PC. They are located on 96th Street here in Indy. Both adoptions went through without having any problems. Kirsh and Kirsh have a FB page you might want to check into.
    With all this being said I would also like to tell you that I was adopted 54 years ago. My parents were to get me at birth but my birth mother decided to keep me for 6 mos. My mother received a call and was then asked if she still wanted me, if course she did. I was adopted at 6mos of age.
    I also want to tell you that I was there in court on both of my grandchildren's final adoption days. Those 2 days were the most rewarding and beautiful experiences I have had, standing up there in court with the judge, my daughter, my son in law and my beautiful grand babies was definitely priceless moments. Bless you both and may God guide you and be with you both through all of this.

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  40. I am a birth mother to a now 17 year old girl. As much as i wanted her as mine, I also wanted her to have a life. Shame on this mother for allowing her selfish feelings to get in the way of her child's future. You never stop loving them, but out of love you let them go. This mother will never know what I know now. I made the right decision. I gave my daughter the most amazing gift, parents who can take care of her in a way I never would have been able to. This is just sad. I'm so sorry for your loss but know that there are birthparents out there that can be selfless. Prayers for peace in your hearts.

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