Since June, this adoption journey has taken us on some serious ups and downs.
Over
the summer, we officially became desensitized and grew accustomed to
the process of fielding one phone call from a potential birth mom never
to hear from her again. Our last one of these kind of calls was in June
from an expectant mother in Michigan. We really liked our conversation
with her, thought it went really well, and then she just disappeared,
which for us, had become par for the course up until that point.
We
then took a vacation (see last blog post), which was a welcome
distraction and a nice get away for the two of us, but very soon we were
back to the reality of nothing happening on the adoption front.
In
July, the only thing we had going was having to go through the process
of renewing and re-upping the stuff that goes along with our home study
(background checks, fingerprints, health check-ups, etc.) since we were
approaching our 1 year anniversary of having it approved. You have to
renew your home study every year. That's right, IT'S BEEN ONE YEAR
NOW. We were really hoping something would happen before we had to do
this, but no such luck.
So much wasn't happening with
adoption over the summer that we started to wonder if we needed to go in
a different direction. We started researching Foster Care and other
similar types of opportunities to become parents. We went to hear the
lawyer the IAC uses do a talk at the agency on a Saturday morning just
so we could basically feel like we were doing something proactive.
We
wondered if our Dear Birthmother letter wasn't good. We wondered if we
needed to do more traditional paid advertising. We wondered what the
IAC was doing to help. We wondered if we should hire another lawyer or
agency to also work on this for us. We had a pretty detailed laundry
list of concerns that we were going bring to the IAC for our annual home
study renewal check-in meeting, and then the flood gates opened in
August...
We aren't sure why, but things started happening after two things -
1. Adrienne found an abandoned baby bird in our driveway and we took care of it in a box we put in a tree until it flew away.
2.
Will posted this picture of the nursery we've slowly been assembling
asking if anyone knew a baby who would like to live this room. This
actually generated a lot of viral response we weren't expecting.
We
know that those things were probably coincidences, but if you think
they had something to do with it, nurse a baby bird back to health and
post a pic of your empty nursery on social media if things are going
slow in your adoption process. If you just do those two things then
you'll get an overwhelming amount of response like we did in August...
August
was nuts. Will refers to it as the most stressful and rigorous month
of work he has ever had - all of his jobs culminated into major projects
all at once. He had to go to a radio conference in Chicago, he was
opening a new $3Bill Fringe Show, and he was running a major tournament
event for his soccer club for the first time. Why not add on to that an
inordinate number of calls from expectant mothers?
We
received a call from a woman in Nebraska. Adrienne talked to her
briefly and then nothing. THEN, we received a Facebook message from an
expectant mother in Indiana who was due in October - more on that in
just a second. THEN, we received a call from an expectant mother in
Indiana who had JUST GIVEN BIRTH - more on that in just a second. Our
agency then connected us with an expectant mother in Ohio who had
requested our letter. And Finally, remember that call I wrote about
just a few paragraphs ago that took place in June? Well, that expectant
mother from Michigan called us back too - about a week before she was
due.
Here is the insane story about how all of this played out - adoption is not an easy road, friends:
The
expectant mother from Indiana who was due in October was definitely
pregnant (an important thing to know for sure before moving forward
because sometimes they aren't!). We even met her for dinner once, and
she seemed very nice, but with a few eccentricities. Upon receiving
more information, the IAC determined that they would not work with this
woman due to some things they had found in her history. They would not
work with her because we are doing an open adoption, and in an open
adoption, to one extent or another, there will be some kind of
relationship between the birth mom and the adoptive parents and the
agency. The IAC felt like these issues (based on history of dealing
with them) would prevent this woman from maintaining a positive
relationship with us and the agency...POTENTIALLY - no one really knows
for sure if there would've been any issues at all. So, this left us in
the awkward position of having to decide whether or not we wanted to
move forward on our own without the agency's support and just hire a
lawyer at an additional expense to help us complete this adoption. This
was a very difficult decision for us because this was the first time
that we thought that we had a real opportunity to match with an
expectant mother. Ultimately, no agency support and a lot of
uncertainty about the situation lead us away from this opportunity, but
it was so incredibly hard to even consider walking away from this
chance. We couldn't believe that our first real chance to become
parents was a situation that our agency wouldn't support. We spent
several days sorting through the information, consulting with our
families and agency representatives, and trying to find ways to make it
work, but after many of hours of exhaustive practical and emotional
analysis, we concluded that it just wasn't right for us. And on top of
that, we suddenly had a lot of other expectant mothers calling us
simultaneously...
So then, there was the Indiana Birthmom
who called us who had just given birth: She was in the hospital with a
new baby. Her friend sent Will a Facebook message while he was on the
air around 7:30am requesting the link to our adoption profile, and Will
replied with the link. This happens all of the time, so he thought
nothing of it. At 10am, Adrienne received an emotional phone call from
this woman. She had just given birth at 4am, she was considering
adoption as an option but the baby came earlier than she expected it to
and so she had not gotten far in the process. After this conversation,
we notified the IAC, and they simply told us to wait for more
information. From this point forward, we had a couple of more
conversations with the friend who FB messaged Will, and she gave us
updates as the day progressed. By the end of the day, the woman was
having meetings with the hospital counselors and by the next morning,
she decided to parent. But, it was a crazy 24 hours for us to think
that we might have had to have prepared to have a baby in our house that
fast. Also, incredibly exciting and ultimately disappointing...
which, if we are being honest about the adoption process, is kind of how
this always works. Just when you think you can get excited, there is
always something that will most likely disrupt that feeling... usually
in a big way.
Speaking of ups and downs and things that
happen more regularly in the adoption process than they should - let's
talk about the expectant mother from Michigan. She first called us in
June and told us she was due on September 11th. She and Adrienne had
what seemed like a great conversation. Then - she disappeared. Usually
this happens because once an expectant mother has a conversation with a
real person on the other end, the prospect of adoption becomes suddenly
very real for her and all of those emotions and considerations come
pouring to the surface. Many reconsider adoption at this point from
what we understand. In our case, we don't know for sure, but most of
the time when this happens it means they have made a different choice.
Well, she called us back for the second time about a week before she was
due just a few weeks ago. At this point, we had moved on in our minds,
but again, the opportunity to adopt is something HAVE TO always
consider - we never know how many chances we are going to get. We felt
like we weren't going to have any chances based on how the year up until
this point had gone. SO NOW, we were talking to the expectant mother
in Indiana, had been connected to an expectant mother in Ohio, and now
had a call from an expectant mother in Michigan due in a week.
We went from absolutely no prospects in May, June, and July to THREE VERY REAL prospects in
August,
and for the first week in September were having very elaborate
conversations about what direction we needed to go in. Who do we choose
and how?! HONESTLY, we wanted to say, "Give us all three!" But you
can't do that, and I'm sure all you parents are laughing at us right now
saying, "How about you try one first before making such a bold claim?"
Well,
here's what happened... Without the agency's support, we had to move
away from the Indiana birthmom - the IAC made sure she was supported by
other organizations to assure she could pursue an adoption elsewhere.
AND THEN, the expectant mother in Michigan sounded like an amazing
immediately gratifying opportunity and would have been much faster for
us, but when we attempted to reach back out to her, she essentially
became unavailable AGAIN. Knowing she was due in a week or two did not
seem to generate the same amount of urgency for her and as it did for
us. And keep in mind that we knew nothing about her - health, history,
background, etc. There IS A TON to establish with birthmoms and
adoptive parents before the due date and we were hoping that we would
get the responses we needed to trust and understand her and feel
comfortable moving forward in this kind of relationship with her. Not to
mention that the laws in Michigan would require us to stay there for
2-3 weeks awaiting clearance to cross state lines and come home, on very
short notice. Unfortunately, we never did get the conversation we
needed to have with her so all of this excitement has still left us in the same position... Waiting. It has definitely been a learning experience.
All the while, we haven't really felt comfortable talking about anything, which is why there have been a lack of posts. We've shared with our families, and gotten some advice throughout this process, but it's really hard to talk about something that is so uncertain. It's also difficult to go through all of this in such secrecy or to celebrate any small victory like a regular pregnancy. We don't want to talk about it and get people's hopes up, or worse yet, have to explain how or why things didn't work out. It's not like being pregnant and having a pretty good idea of what's going to happen in 9 months. Nothing is certain until all the papers are signed - which, by the way, is months after the baby is born and in your home. So many hurdles left!
Don't worry, there is still more to tell, but this post is super long. We'll continue the updates very soon!